But I never knew that it was the way God wanted me to search for him from the depth of my heart. I started sharing my pain with my grandma. She again told me about Jesus and faith. I was too stubborn to look back to God’s love. So I denied and tried to solve everything myself. I kept on demanding for proof for the existence of God. Months passed by. I was fuming like a furnace but I couldn’t shed a single tear – didn’t know why. One day I felt that I should go and meet my grandma and I went to her. I asked her to sing a song – a Christian song that I used to sing when I was previously in faith. That song says about a person leaving God and finally returning back searching for Him. As I started listening to that song, tears started to slowly roll down my cheeks… Yes I was ventilating the tears that I was not able to shed during all these painful days.

Next week, I started attending a church in my locality. Since I was awaiting the joining date for my job, I had enough time to spend in God’s presence. Though I would go to church, pray and listen to sermons, I knew that I was incomplete in faith. I was always doubtful. Every day I would talk to the pastor for hours after the session and clear doubts… After the worship, I had seen people coming to the pastor and pastor placing his hands on their head and them fainting down as if they got electrified. Though my friends told me that it was due to the power of the Holy Spirit, I always laughed at the back of my mind. I never got convinced that God really exists. My belief used to waver uncontrollably.  And I was very unhappy about that fact. It went on for another month or so.